Silence

For the past week I have been intentionally trying to set aside time to be with God in silence. The funny thing about my discipline is it is a struggle to find a quiet space in my life to even start! If you have met me before in person it is quite obvious that I should not be defined as the quiet type. I enjoy conversation and I find that a lot of my spiritual growth is fostered through interactions with others. I had to be consciously looking for those little pockets of life where I could remove myself to spend some time with God. 
I usually found these pockets of life in my dorm room where there are minimal distractions. I typically set a timer for about ten minutes and started off with some breath prayers. I would inhale thinking “I am here” and exhale thinking “You are here.” I did this because it helped me focus in on God and push distractions away. I did these exercises with the help of Spiritual Disciplines Handbook, by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, which recommends seeing distracting thoughts as little boats that float away. I found this visual very helpful because normally I get very frustrated whenever I have distracting thoughts, so replacing the anger with the calming thought of boats drifting away made my experience much more peaceful. 
During my time in silence, I tried opening myself up to God and recognizing the emotions that I normally ignore, and give them up to God. The first couple of times I tried this practice it was difficult; I often found myself chasing distractions or losing track of my purpose in the endless stream of my own thoughts. Instead of being present with God, I often found myself thinking about my classes, or what I wanted to eat, or what friends I should hangout with this weekend. It took constant effort to put these thoughts onto little boats and let them drift away, but the more times I tried, the better I got at minimizing these distractions. 
I was finally able to be present and I started to realize I had emotions built up that I had not taken the time to process. I felt lonely since I had never been away from my family for so long. I felt the stress that was built up from all my classes. I felt confusion and anger because I thought I was wasting my time as I saw no benefits coming from my time in silence. While sitting there, filled with all these emotions, suddenly a wave of peace came over me, and I felt content. 
The things that were causing me sadness and pain before were taken away, and I was left sitting in peace. I felt almost disconnected from the world as I sat there, not worrying about anything that was going on around me anymore. I wish I could say I heard the voice of God or reach some new enlightenment, but in reality none of those things happened. I can say that I was able to experience moments of peace that I attribute to being present with God. I learned a lot about patience through this experience, and I am happy I struggled through the rough patches in order to reach peace. I also know that I have a ton of potential to grow through this exercise, and I hope I can continue to take the time to work on being still in silence with God. 

-Hanson